Realisations anew...

In life, there will always be moments where you feel broken, and the people who would piece you back are not by your side. When homesickness assaults your senses and it seems like your private world is crumbling down because of the darkness gnawing at your heart. When the loneliness gets too much to bear, especially at times that bring words like 'home' and 'family' to mind. It's always the pain of fresh separation that gets to me the most - the transition from the comfort zone of being surrounded by loved ones to the hectic schedule of studies.
But it's times where I'm at my most vulnerable that I am struck by how much I have been blessed to have a God who loves me so much. Because I know the reason I made the choice to leave home is based on what I stand to gain from it - opportunity, new experiences, a pathway to all things bigger and better in life... but the reason my King left His home was to save self-centred people like me. That He chose to suffer in order that I get to live. That it was not what He stood to gain that was the impetus for the decision, but what He could do for us. That He stepped into a world foreign to Him, to be an alien, such that we are saved.
How selfless is His love for us?
For an undeserving me?
It puts things into perspective, doesn't it?

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

John 3:16-17

Masquerade...

No man... for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.

-Nathaniel Hawthorne-
'The Scarlet Letter'

We conceal our hearts behind masks that we wear to all, save a few. And sometimes, we get so accustomed to the false visage that we lose sight of who we really are, directionless, mired down in a bog of uncertainty and fear. But still, we continue the facade. Why? What exactly do we fear? To be made vulnerable? That our hearts will be trampled upon once we give of it freely?
The smile on the face may be hiding tears shed in the solace of solitude. The laughter that rings out may enshroud hurts and wounds invisible to the eye. We'll never know. But He does. And He cares. He looks deep into the crevices of our core and He accepts it. Unconditionally. And that is a balm, soothing and comforting to the weary.
It's a challenge to be truly open to another, to trust implicitly. But I'm trying. To not limit my candour to only those I'm close with. To have stronger faith. And to believe. There will come a point in time when the masquerade cannot continue. The masks will tear, crumbling to reveal the veiled. It will never hold indefinitely. So why not unmask now?

There is no privacy that cannot be penetrated, no secret can be kept in a civilised world. Society is a masked ball, where everyone hides his real character, then reveals it by hiding.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson-
'The Conduct of Life'

Reminiscing...

In the silence of contemplation, what runs through your mind? Right now, at this very moment in space and time?
Memories engraved with friends? Echoes of laughter that reverberated through childhood? Songs that were sung and played in the hours before school?

***

My childhood was spent in the upper floor of the place I call home, where hours stretched long and arduous, a never ending continuity. Those were the afternoons filled with reading Enid Blyton and Francine Pascal, nights spent with siblings in tidying the 3 bedrooms upstairs, though more often than not, I ended up being the observer. Those were the times where my sister, brother and I explored worlds unknown in the relative safety of the master bedroom, where anything and everything was possible, where pirates sailed courageously one day and space was explored the next. We fed our imaginations with tales woven with childish curiousity. Back then, it seemed that time inched forward, seemingly at a snail's pace.

And then, we grew up.

I suppose one could say we outgrew the naivete we possessed as children. We had busier schedules with exams to study for. Computer games overtook the games of make-believe that entertained us. Time started to fly. No longer were we insulated as we were as children. We were expected to be aware of what was happening in the world, to be cognizant of our surroundings. And realism overtook imagination. It stood me in good stead, I suppose, but sometimes, I wish that time would be remiss in its duty and I can return to fully enjoy the times when days were endless and full of possibilities untold.

The world spins madly on...

Why do we do what we do? This is a question that I find myself asking time and again. Because it doesn't matter how hard we try... it almost seems like no matter what transpires in our universe, the world as we know it spins madly on. It stops for no one. Yet we plod on. Step after step. One foot in front of the other. With aspirations to be a Somebody. To what end? I remember one of the caregroup lessons I had when I was in first year, I think. That we are called to significance, but not necessarily prominence. But human nature desires recognition. Fame. It's a failing that is not a stranger to many.
We can get so caught up in all the duties that we have, the responsibilities to fulfill, the tasks on the checklist, that we forget the heart of the matter... that it is the people who are important. To be able to complete one's work is a laudable achievement, but if it was at the expense of others' feelings and emotions, the very real feelings and emotions, wouldn't that make the success hollow?
The roads ahead are long, narrow and winding. Life was never a bed of roses. And even if it were, there are thorns to contend with. And if we expect the good in life, it is only fair that we should accept the bad with a measure of dignity. Not whining, not complaining about the hand that life/God has thrown us, but to deal with it the best way we can. To the utmost of our efforts.
For happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you get, be it your heart's deepest desire, or the antithesis of it. It's never easy.

Melbourne and clinical placements...

So I've been back in Melbourne for a week now... Classes have started and I start with a cardiothoracic surgery unit rotation next week. Which means I have to revise the CVS Hx and Ex, as well as the anatomy of the heart and its associated vessels and interpretation of ECGs. Had a nursing shift today - made beds, took obs and BSLs. Paid for my ID and the locker and had a walk around the hospital. Learnt where I can get free coffee and how to search for imaging and path results. Then back home.
Mummy and Papa flew in with me on Friday. Unfortunately that was in the midst of the heat wave and the temperature topped at 45 degrees. Original plan was to bring them to City during the weekend and then sign them up for the Great Ocean Road tour, but because of the weather conditions, those plans were scrapped. So we went to Queen Vic, Swanston Street and the Melbourne Central and Flinders Street stations. And they're confident in navigating Clayton by public transport now. They flew back on Wednesday. =( Miss you guys loads...